Then Vidaghda Sakalya asked, “How many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

Yajnavalkya, ascertaining the number through a group of mantras known as the Nivid (Hymns of praise to the Vishva-Devas) replied, “As many as are mentioned in the Nivid of the gods: three hundred and three, and three thousand and three.”

“Very good,” said the son of Shaklya, “and how many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

“Thirty-three.”

“Very good, and how many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

“Six.”

“Very good, and how many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

“Three.”

“Very good, and how many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

“Two.”

“Very good, and how many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

“One and a half.”

“Very good, and how many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?”

“One.”

--Brihadaranyaka Upanishad III 9:1

Ladies and Gentlemen: An honest god is the noblest work of man. Each nation has created a god, and the god has always resembled his creators. He hated and loved what they hated and loved, and he was invariably found on the side of those in power. Each god was intensely patriotic, and detested all nations but his own. All these Gods demanded praise, flattery, and worship.

Most of them were pleased with sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine perfume.

All these gods have insisted upon having a vast number of priests, and the priests have always insisted upon being supported by the people, and the principal business of these priests has been to boast about their God, and to insist that he could easily vanquish all the other gods put together.

These gods have been manufactured after numberless models, and according to the most grotesque fashions.

Some have a thousand arms, some a hundred heads, some are adorned with necklaces of living snakes, some are armed with clubs, some with sword and shield, some with bucklers, and some have wings as a cherub; some were invisible, some would show themselves entire, and some would only show their backs; some were jealous, some were foolish, some turned themselves into men, some into swans, some into bulls, some into doves, and some into Holy Ghosts, and made love to the beautiful daughters of men.

Some were married -- all ought to have been -- and some were considered as old bachelors from all eternity.

Some had children, and the children were turned into gods and worshiped as their fathers had been. Most of these gods were revengeful, savage, lustful, and ignorant. As they generally depended upon their priests for information, their ignorance can hardly excite our astonishment.

These gods did not even know the shape of the worlds they had created, but supposed them perfectly flat. Some thought the day could be lengthened by stopping the sun, that the blowing of horns could throw down the walls of a city, and all knew so little of the real nature of the people they had created, that they commanded the people to love them. Some were so ignorant as to suppose that man could believe just as he might desire, or as might command, and to be governed by observation, reason, and experience was a most foul and damning sin.

None of these gods could give a true account of the creation of this little earth. All were woefully deficient in geology and astronomy. As a rule, they were most miserable legislators, and as executives, they were far inferior to the average of American presidents.

The deities have demanded the most abject and degrading obedience. In order to please them, man must lay his very face in the dust. Of course, they have always been partial to the people who created them, and they have generally shown their partiality by assisting those people to rob and destroy others, and to ravish their wives and daughters.

Nothing is so pleasing to these gods as the butchery of unbelievers. Nothing so enrages them, even now as to have some one deny their existence.
Robert Ingersol