Lycurgus | Utopia | New Atlantis | City Of The Sun
A Fragment Of Joseph Hall's
Mundus Alter Et Idem
(The Other And Same World)
Translated By Dr. William King
Introductory Sketch
Joseph Hall was born at Bristow Park, by Ashby-de-la-Zouch, in the year 1574, and educated at Emmanuel College, Cambridge. In 1597 he published three books, and in 1598 three more books, of Satires, "Virgidemiarum, Six Bookes." These satires, with others published about the same time by Marlowe and Marston, were burnt by order of Whitgift, Archbishop of Canterbury, who had no relish for that kind of writing. Nine years later, in the year 1607, at the age of thirty-two, Hall published the satire now to be described. He was a witty and an earnest man, who rose to honour in the Church, became successively Bishop of Exeter and of Norwich; as Bishop of Norwich was in controversy with John Milton on Church Discipline; suffered patiently imprisonment and persecution from the Puritans; and closed an honourable life of more than fourscore years in 1656. He has been called by some the Christian Seneca.
His early work, the "Mundus Alter et Idem," represents an ideal world divided into regions answering to man's chief weaknesses or vices. He gave with it a map of its Crapulia, Latronia, &c., fully peopled, with a neighbouring land in which there are no signs of settlement, Terra Sancta, ignota etiam adhuc, the Holy Land, even yet unknown.
Joseph Hall's new world is also figured as an Austral Continent. They are good travellers, he says, who tell what they have seen in known lands, but he is a better who not only travels but is himself the maker of the lands he travels through. He chose his day, and went aboard the good ship Phantasy, quitted harbour, sailed away, reached in two years the Fortunate Isles, and, leaving the shores of Africa behind him, came in sight of the black headland of Crapulia.
Here Introduction ends and Travel begins with the part partly translated by Dr. King: Crapulia, named from Crapula, is the Land of Inebriate Excess, and its two provinces, Pamphagonia and Yvronia, mean by their names the provinces of Omnivorous Gluttony and Drunkenness. Dr. King has translated six chapters, and begun the seventh, which is upon the wars of the Pamphagonians, to which they march forth armed with spits and two-pronged forks and heavy ribs of beef. In their free city, Ucalegon, built near the borders of Moronia, the citizens live happy as monks. They are so well shut in by high rocks that they can laugh at enemies, and through a hollow in the rocks with softest pace creeps the river Oysivius (the Idle). There is only one way up, their rocks for the inhabitants, and that is not by zigzag steps, but by a rope and basket. Birds wholly peculiar to the place supply food by being themselves eatable, and by the great multitude of their eggs, and by the loads of fish they bring into their nests to feed their young. The citizens make to themselves also beds of the soft feathers of these birds. This valley yields to the people of Ucalegon everything except what they don't care for. They are free, therefore, to sup, sleep, rise, dine, and lie down.
Husbandry, as among the old Egyptians, consists chiefly in feeding pigs, for the husbandmen wait on the rich. One, with a gentle touch, opens the richer man's eyes when he wakes; another fans him with a flapper while he eats; another puts bits into his mouth when it opens. There are two cities under Ucalegon, Livona and Roncara (Snort and Snore), which have like privileges, except that here the inhabitants are almost always asleep, and fatten wonderfully.
These are among the laws of Crapulia:—It is a crime to drink alone. Whoever has defrauded Nature by fasting four hours after sleep shall be compelled to sup. When the mouth is full it is enough to answer questions by holding out a finger. What cook soever shall treat food so that it cannot be eaten, shall be tied to a stake beside which is hung meat half raw or half burnt, and shall remain so tied until somebody comes who will eat that meat.
No coin of metal is current in Crapulia, but they make payment in kind. Thus two sparrows are one starling, two starlings are one fieldfare, two fieldfares one hen, two hens one goose, two geese one lamb, two lambs one kid, two kids one goat, two goats one cow, and so forth.
The next chapter is on the Religion of the Crapulians. They hate Jove because his thunder turns the wine sour and he spoils ripe fruit by raining on it. Their God is Time, who eats everything.
But I hasten, says the traveller, to the palace of the Grand Duke, whither I was happily led by my genius. The first Duke must have been as large as the man two of whose teeth were dug up at Cambridge, each as big as a man's head. On his tomb is an inscription. "I Omasius, Duke of Fagonia, Lord, Victor, Prince and God lie here. No man shall say I starved, shall pass by fasting, or salute me sober. Let him be my heir who can, my subject who will, my enemy who dares. Farewell and Fatten."
After a description of the Island of Hunger, the traveller passes from Pamphagonia to Yvronia, the other province of Crapulia.
These are among the laws of Yvronia:—A cup must be either full or empty. Whoever takes or returns a cup half empty shall be guilty of lèse societé. The sober man who hurts a drunkard, shall be cut off from wine for ever: if he kill a drunkard, he shall die by thirst. To walk from supper in a right line shall be criminal. He who adds water to wine shall be degraded to the table of the dogs.
Yvronia having been described in seven chapters, the traveller in this Other-and-Same World passes on to Viraginia, the land of the Viragoes. This is Gynia Nova, miswritten New Guinea. The chief of its many provinces is Linguadocia, in which Garrula is one of the famous cities. In Viraginia the traveller was at once made prisoner, but permitted to see the land after he had subscribed to certain articles, as, That in word or deed he would work no ill to the nobler sex; That he would never interpose a word when a woman was speaking; That wherever he might be he would concede domestic rule to the woman; That he would never deny to a wife any ornament of dress she looked at.
As to its form of government, the state seemed to be a democracy, in which all governed and none obeyed. They settled affairs at public meetings, in which all spoke and none listened; and they had a perpetual Parliament.
The men in Viraginia are subject to the women. When a wife leaves her house for any reason, she places the care of her husband under any other woman of the household until she returns. A husband who survives his wife, is married at once to his wife's maid, or goes into bondage to the nearest mother of a family, because it is not permitted that any man shall become master in his own house.
The women sit while the men serve, sleep when the men are roused to get up, scold them when they complain, and beat them. That day is worthy to be marked with a white stone to which men can say good-bye with a whole skin.
Contrary to the custom with us, the women in Viraginia cut their hair and let their nails grow. Some of them also practise with profit the gymnastic art, so that they can make beautiful use of teeth, nails, and heels. A nobler and more cleanly polished place is not to be seen than Viraginia, where everything is washed, cooked and cared for by the men, and there is nothing unbecoming but the garments of the men themselves.
The next land to be visited was Moronia, Foolsland, the vastest, the most uncultivated and the most populous of all these countries. To the east is Variana or Moronia Mobilis, to the north is Moronia Aspera, to the south Moronia Felix, and to the west Moronia Pia. The people are, nearly all of them, tall and fat, with palish hair, prominent lips, and very thick ears. In midwinter they go with their chests open, and the rest of the body lightly clothed, that the warmth may enter the more readily, and the cold go out of them; but in summer they put on thick overcoats and cloaks, and all the clothes they have, to shut out the heat. They shave their heads, either because they remember that they were born bald, or to allay the heat of the brain, or because the hair comes between the brain and heaven, and checks the freedom of the mind in going heavenward.
Provinces, towns and people of Moronia having been visited and fully described, the traveller through this Other-and-Same World then proceeds to describe Lavernia, the Land of Thieves and Cheats, who obtain great part of their plunder from Moronia. In this land the Larcinians require much attention. And at the end of all, adds Joseph Hall, "These men, these manners, these cities I have seen, have marvelled at, have laughed at, and at last, broken by the toils of so great a journey, have returned to my own land. Peregrinus, quondam Academicus."
Dr. William King was born in the year 1663, son of Ezekiel King, a gentleman of London. He was educated at Westminster School and Christ Church, Oxford. He early inherited a fair estate, took his Master of Arts degree in 1688, and began his career as writer with a refutation of attacks upon Wiclif in the "History of Heresy," by M. Varillas. He then chose law for a profession, in 1692 graduated as LL.D., and was admitted an Advocate at Doctor's Commons. He kept a light heart and a lighter purse than beseemed one of his fraternity, publishing playful satires, at times showing an earnest mind under his mirth. In or soon after the year 1702 Dr. King went to Ireland as judge of the High Court of Admiralty, sole Commissioner of the Prizes, Vicar-General to the Lord Primate, and Keeper of the Records in Birmingham's Tower, in which office he was succeeded in 1708 by Joseph Addison. Dr. King, who had not increased his credit for a love of work, returned to London about that time, and following his own way of mirth began publishing "Useful Transactions in Philosophy and other sorts of learning." In 1709 he published the best of his playful poems, "The Art of Cookery, in imitation of Horace's Art of Poetry; with some letters to Dr. Lister and others, occasioned principally by the Title of a Book published by the Doctor, being the works of Apicius Cœlius concerning the Soups and Sauces of the Ancients." When he came across Joseph Hall's satire, he found it so much to his mind that he began to translate as follows:—
H.M.
Crapulia.
CHAPTER I.
The Situation of the Country.
Crapulia is a very fair and large territory, which on the north is bounded with the Æthiopic Ocean, on the east with Laconia and Viraginia, on the south by Moronia Felix, and westward with the Tryphonian Fens. It lies in that part of the universe where is bred the monstrous bird called Ruc, that for its prey will bear off an elephant in its talons; and is described by the modern geographers.
The soil is too fruitful, and the heavens too serene; so that I have looked upon them with a silent envy, not without pity, when I considered they were blessings so little deserved by the inhabitants. It lies in seventy-four degrees of longitude, and sixty degrees of latitude, and eleven degrees distant from the Cape of Good Hope; and lies, as it were, opposite to the whole coast of Africa. It is commonly divided into two provinces, Pamphagonia and Ivronia, the former of which is of the same length and breadth as Great Britain (which I hope will not be taken as any reflection), the other is equal to the High and Low Dutch Lands. Both obey the same prince, are governed by the same laws, and differ very little in their habit or their manners.
CHAPTER II.
phagonia; or, Glutton's Paradise.
Pamphagonia is of a triangular figure, like that of ancient Egypt, or the Greek letter delta, Δ. It is mountainous, inclosed with very high hills; its soil is of the richest, so that birds which come thither to feed, if they tarry but three months, grow so very fat and weighty, that they cannot fly back again over the mountains, but suffer themselves to be taken up in the hand, and are as delicious as the ortolan or the beccaficos of the Italians. And it is no wonder to them who know that geese in Scotland are generated from leaves fallen into the water, and believe the testimony of one of our ambassadors, that in the north-east parts of the world lambs grow upon stalks like cabbages and eat up the grass all around about them, to find the same sort of provisions in this country. Besides, the fish upon that coast are in such plenty, and so voracious (whether they conform themselves to the genius of the place and people, or presage to themselves the honour of so magnificent a sepulchre as was given to Nero's turbot), that, as soon as the hook is cast in, they press to it as the ghosts in Lucian did to Charon's boat, and cling to the iron as miners do to a rope that is let down when the light of their candle forbodes some malignant exhalation.
The sea-ports, with which this country abounds more than any other, are of no other use than to receive and take in such things as are edible, which they have for their superfluous wool and hides: nor may the inhabitants export anything that has the least relation to the palate. You see nothing there but fruit-trees. They hate plains, limes, and willows, as being idle and barren, and yielding nothing useful but their shade. There are hops, pears, plums, and apples, in the hedge-rows, as there is in all Ivronia; from whence the Lombards, and some counties in the west of England, have learned their improvements. In ancient times, Frugonia, or the Land of Frugality, took in this country as one of its provinces; and histories tell us, that, in Saturn's time, the Frugonian princes gave laws to all this part of the world, and had their palace there; and that their country was called Fagonia, from the simplicity of their diet, which consisted only in beech-mast. But that yoke has been long ago shaken off; their manners are wholly changed, and, from the universality of their food, they have obtained, in their own country language, the title of Pamphagones.
CHAPTER III.
The First Province of Pamphagonia.
Friviandy, or Tight-bittia (that we may take the provinces in their order), were it not for a temperament peculiar to the place, is rather of the hottest to produce those who are properly called good trencher-men. Its utmost point, which other geographers call the Promontory of the Terra Australis, is of the same latitude as the most southerly parts of Castile, and is about forty-two degrees distant from the equator. The inhabitants have curled hair and dusky complexions, and regard more the delicacy than the largeness and number of their dishes. In this very promontory, which we shall call the black one from its colour (for it is a very smoky region, partly from the frequent vapours of the place, partly from its vicinity to the Terra del Fogo, which, by the common consent of geographers, lies on the right hand of it, but rather nearer than they have placed it), is the city Lucina, whose buildings are lofty, but apt to be smoky and offensive to the smell; from whence a colony went, perhaps, as far as the Indies, where it remains to this day by the name of Cochin-China.
Here is the famous temple of the great deity Omasius Gorgut, or Gorbelly. It is a vast pile, and contains a thousand hearths, and as many altars, which are constantly employed in the Rucal Festivals. In the midst is a high pyramid, as lofty as the hand of man can erect it, little inferior to those of Memphis. It is called the Cheminean Tower. This, rising high, gives the signal of war to the adjoining countries: for, as we by beacons lighted upon a high hill discover the danger of an approaching enemy, so these, on the contrary, do the same by letting their smoke cease and their fires go out: for, when the perpetual vapour ceases to roll forth in thick and dark clouds of smoke, it is a token that the Hambrians are drawing nearer, than whom there can be no enemy more terrible to this nation. There are several smaller towns, that lie under the dominion of this supreme city. Charbona is the largest village, and, what is seldom seen elsewhere, lies all under ground. Upon its barren soil arises another, though of less note, called Favillia. After these lies Tenaille, a narrow town, and Batillû, a broad one, both considerable. On the left are some subservient petty hamlets, as Assadora, Marmitta, Culliera, as useful for the reception of strangers, amongst which, that of Marmitta is watered by the river Livenza; which, as is said of a fountain in the Peak of Derby, boils over twice in four-and-twenty hours.
CHAPTER IV.
The Second Province of Pamphagonia.
Next to this is the Golosinian district, the most pleasant part of Pamphagonia, covered with dates, almonds, figs, olives, pomegranates, oranges, citrons, and pistaches; through which run the smoothest of streams, called the Oglium. Here is the beautiful city of Marzapane, with noble turrets glittering with gold, but lying too open to the enemy. Over it hang the Zucker hills, out of whose bowels they draw something that is hard, white, and sparkling, but sweet as that moisture which the ancients gathered out of the reeds which grew in Arabia and the Indies. You shall find few people here, who are grown up, but what have lost their teeth, and have stinking breaths. Near to this is the little city Seplasium, which admits of no tradesmen but perfumers. It is a town of great commerce with the people of Viraginia, especially the Locanians, who use to change their looking-glass with them for oils and pastils. The agreeableness of the place, and the bounty of the heavens, is favourable to their art; for the whole track of land, at certain seasons, is covered with aromatic comfits, that fall like hail-stones: which Anathumiasis I take to be essentially the same as that aerial honey which we often find upon our oaks, especially in the spring, and that it differs only in thickness; for whereas that honey is sprinkled in drops, the little globules are hardened by the intense cold of the middle region, and rebound in falling.
CHAPTER V.
Of the Third Province of Pamphagonia.
In the fifty-fifth degree, we come into the plains of Lecania, and so into the very heart of Pamphagonia, where the chief city we meet with is Cibinium, which is washed with the acid streams of the river Assagion. In the forum, or market-place, is the tomb (as I conjecture by the footsteps of some letters now remaining) of Apicius, that famous Roman, not very beautiful, but antique. It is engraved upon the shell of a sea-crab; and it might happen, notwithstanding what Seneca says, that this famous epicure, after having sought for larger shell-fish than the coast of Gallia could supply him with, and then going in vain to Africa to make a farther inquiry, might hear some rumour concerning this coast, steer his course thither, and there die of a surfeit. But this I leave to the critics. Here I shall only mention the most fertile fields of Lardana and Ossulia. The delicious situation of Mortadella, the pleasantest of places, had wonderfully delighted me, had it not been for the salt-works which often approach too near it. There is an offensive stinking town called Formagium, alias Butterboxia, and Mantica, a boggy place near the confines of Ivronia.
I hasten to the metropolis of the whole region, which, whether you respect the uniformity of the building, the manners of the people, or their way of living, their rules for behaviour, their law and justice, will show as much as if I were to descend to particulars.
CHAPTER VI.
Of the Metropolis of Pamphagonia, and the Customs of the Inhabitants.
There are but very few villages in this country, as well as in some others; from whence a traveller may conjecture, that the country towns are devoured by the cities, which are not so many in number as they are large and populous; of which the mother and governess is called Artocreopolis. The report goes, that in ancient times there were two famous cities, Artopolis and Creatium, which had many and long contests about the superiority: for so it happens to places, as well as men, that increase in power; insomuch as the two most flourishing Universities in the world (to both of which I bear the relation of a son, though I am more peculiarly obliged to one of them for my education), notwithstanding they are sisters, could not abstain from so ungrateful a contention.
Artopolis boasted of its antiquity, and that it had flourished in the Saturnian age, when it had as yet no rival. Creatium set forth its own splendour, pleasantness, and power. At last, a council being called, Creatium got the preference by the universal votes of the assembly; for such is the iniquity of the times, that though the head be covered with grey hairs, yet nothing is allowed to the reverence of antiquity, when encountered by a proud and upstart novelty. The other city is now so far neglected, that the ruins or footsteps of its magnificence are scarce remaining, any more than of Verulam, as is most elegantly set forth by our noble poet Spenser in his verses on that subject; the latter usurping the name of the other, as well as the other has now the double title of Artocreopolis. The city is more extensive than beautiful: it is fortified with a large and deep ditch of running water, which washes almost all the streets, wherein are a thousand several ponds for fish; upon which swim ducks, geese, swans, and all sorts of water-fowl, which has been wisely imitated by the people of Augsburg. This ditch is called Gruessa. There are two walls, whose materials were furnished by the flesh-market; for they are made of bones, the larger serving for the foundations, the lesser for the superstructure, whilst the smallest fill up what is wanting in the middle; being all cemented with the whites of eggs, by a wonderful artifice. The houses are not very beautiful, nor built high after the manner of other cities; so that there is no need of an Augustus to restrain the buildings to the height of seventy feet, as was done at Rome; nor is there room for a Seneca or Juvenal to complain of the multitude of their stairs and number of their stories.
They have no regard for staircases; for indeed none of the citizens care for them, partly from the trouble of getting up them (especially when, as they often do, they have drunk heartily) as much as for the danger of getting down again. Their houses are all covered with large blade-bones, very neatly joined together. There are no free citizens admitted, but such whose employment has more immediately some relation to the table. Husbandmen, smiths, millers, and butchers, live in their colonies, who, when they have a belly of an unwieldy bulk, are promoted to be burgesses; to which degree none were anciently admitted but cooks, bakers, victuallers, and the gravest senators, who are chosen here, as in other places, not for their prudence, riches, or length of beard; but for their measure, which they must come up to yearly if they will pretend to bear any office in the public. As any one grows in dimensions, he rises in honour; so that I have seen some who, from the meanest and most contemptible village, have, for their merits, been promoted to a more famous town, and at last obtained the senatorial dignity in this most celebrated city: and yet, when by some disease (as it often happens), or by age, they have grown leaner than they are allowed to be by the statutes, have lost their honour, together with the bulk of their carcass. Their streets were paved with polished marble; which seemed strange amongst a people so incurious, both because the workmanship was troublesome, and there might be danger in its being slippery. But the true reason of it was, that they might not be forced to lift their feet higher than ordinary by the inequality of the pavement, and likewise that the chairs of the senators might the more easily be pushed forward; for they never go on foot, or on horseback, nor even in a coach, to the exchange, or their public feasts, because of their weight; but they are moved about in great easy elbow-chairs, with four wheels to them, and continue sitting so fixed, in the same posture, snoring and flabbering till they are wheeled home again.
At the four gates of the city, whose form is circular, there sit in their turns as many senators, who are called Buscadores. These carefully examine all who come in and go out, those that go out, lest they should presume by chance to do it fasting, which they can easily judge of by the extent of their bellies, and the matter being proved, they are fined in a double supper: those that come in, to see what they bring with them upon their return; for they must neither depart with empty stomachs, nor come back with empty hands. Every month, according to the laws, which they unwillingly transgress, there are stated feasts, at which all the senators are obliged to be present, that after dinner (for no person can give his vote before he has dined) they may deliberate concerning the public affairs. The name of their common-hall is Pythanoscome. Every one knows his own seat, and his conveniences and a couch to repose upon when the heat of their wine and seasoned dainties incline them to it. Their greatest delicacies are served up at the first course; for they think it foolish not to eat the best things with the greatest appetite: nor do they cut their boars, sheep, goats, and lambs into joints or quarters, as commonly we do, but convey them whole to table, by the help of machines, as I remember to have read in Petronius Arbiter. They are fineable who rise before they have set six hours; for then the edge of their stomach is blunted. They eat and drink so leisurely, for the same reason as the famous Epicure of old wished that his neck were as long as a crane's. They measure the seasonable time for their departure after this method: they have a door to their town-house, which is wide enough for the largest man to enter when he is fasting: through this the guests pass; and when any one would depart, if he stops in this passage, he is trusted to go out at another door; but if it be as easy as if he were fasting, the master of the ceremonies makes him tarry till he comes to be of a statutable magnitute: after which example, Willfrid's needle in Belvior Castle was a pleasant trial of Roman Catholic sanctity. They have gardens of many acres extent, but not like those of Adonis or Alcinoüs; for nothing delightful is to be expected in them, neither order, nor regularity of walk, nor grass-plots, nor variety of flowers in the borders: but you will find all planted with cabbages, turnips, garlick, and musk-melons, which were carried hence to Italy, and are in quantity sufficient to feast an hundred Pythagoreans.
There is a public college, or hospital, whither they are sent who have got the dropsy, gout, or asthma, by their eating and drinking; and there they are nourished at the public expense. As for such as have lost their teeth by their luxury, or broken them by eating too greedily or incautiously, they are provided for in the island of Sorbonia. All the richer sort have several servants, in the nature of vassals, to cultivate their gardens, and be employed in inferior offices, who have their liberty when they can arrive at such a bulkiness. If any of the grandees of the country die of a surfeit, he is given, as being all made up of the most exquisite dainties, to be eaten up by his servants; and this they do that nothing should be lost that is so delicate. The men are thick and fat to a miracle; nor will any one salute another whose chin does not come to the midst of his breast, and his paunch falls to his knees. The women are not unlike them, and in shape resemble the Italians, and have breasts like the Hottentots. They go almost naked, having no regard to their garments. The magistrates and persons of better figure have gowns made of the skins of such beasts as they have eaten at one meal. All wear a knife, with a large spoon, hanging upon their right arm. Before their breasts they wear a smooth skin, instead of a napkin, to receive what falls out of their mouths, and to wipe them upon occasion; which whether it be more black or greasy, is hard to determine.
They are of a very slow apprehension, and no way fit for any science; but yet understand such arts as they have occasion for. Their schools are public-houses, where they are educated in the sciences of eating, drinking, and carving; over which, one Archisilenius, an exquisite Epicure, was then provost, who, instead of grammar, read some fragments of Apicius. Instead of a library, there is a public repository of drinking-vessels, in which cups of all orders and sizes are disposed into certain classes. Cups and dishes are instead of books. The younger scholars have less, the elder have greater; one has a quart, the other a pottle, the other a gallon: this has a hen, that a goose, a third a lamb or a porker: nor have they any liberty, or recess, till the whole is finished; and if by a seven years' stuffing they are no proficients in fatness, are presently banished into the Fancetic Islands; nor are they suffered long to stay there idle and without improvement. Hither likewise are sent all physicians who prescribe a course of diet to any person. When any one is sick, without recourse to Æsculapius, they make him eat radish, and drink warm water; which, according to Celsus, will purge and vomit him. Venison is that which they most delight in; but they never take it in hunting, but by nets and gins. They look upon the swine as the most profitable and best of all animals; whether it is for the likeness of its manners, as being good for nothing but the table, or else from its growing fat on the sudden with the worst of nutriment. It may not seem credible, yet parsimony appears in the midst of their profuseness: but then it is very ill placed, for it is in crumbs, bones, and crusts. They do not so much as keep any dogs, cats, hawks, or anything that eats flesh. If any person suffer meat to stink, he is impaled; but venison and rabbits are to have the haut-gout: and then their cheese is kept till it is overrun with little animals, which they devour with mustard and sugar. This is an odd sort of custom, derived from the Dutch.
The country abounds with rivers, which ebb and flow according to their digestion, and generally overflow at the beginning of January, and towards the end of February, and do mischief to the neighbouring country.
CHAPTER VII.
Of the Wars of the Pamphagonians.
The Pamphagones have perpetual wars with the Hambrians, or the Fancetic Islands, and the Frugonians.
Cætera desunt.
THE END.